Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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