Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
