Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I'm passing your future prison.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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