Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
