Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Who wears a wallet chain?!
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
