Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Randomize
