When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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