capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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