Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
