we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
