Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
