I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
