I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I need to align my fucking chakras
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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