ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
