Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
