I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I just googled if crying burns calories
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
