she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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