my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
She's the barista slut.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Randomize