she woke up with a sticky ear
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Randomize
