With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Randomize
