Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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