I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Randomize
