I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
