I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
