i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
