seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
