I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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