david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
