my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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