He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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