Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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