I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
