I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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