I murdered the dance floor call the cops
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Are we still banned from the library?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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