woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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