plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
