I wish I could punch you in the face.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
