I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
