i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
