just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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