We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
