I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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