Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just blew my weed a kiss
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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