i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
