My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Randomize
