We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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