Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
