I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
