I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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