Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
