last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize