Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
