Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
