yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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