I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
