Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
