Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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