...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
