I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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