Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
