you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
