i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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