he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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