So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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