She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
